Rejected Reductress Pitches

Diego Bayon
3 min readJul 20, 2018

“One man’s poison is another man’s cake” — Idina Menzel

13 Hottest Horrors to Run from This Summer


Summer body tips inspired by our hellish political climate — and also our changing climate. Nuclear proliferation and literal Nazis are back in; while on your morning run, just imagine you’re training for your escape from a populous urban center directly targeted by North Korea.

Chelsea Clinton’s tweet becomes sentient and murders area man


Man-bun-wearer, rose-emoji-aficionado John Waters was found dead in his Brooklyn home Sunday morning, after a sickening tweet from Chelsea Clinton about children books and female literacy gained consciousness and repeatedly stabbed his groin area. “We warned the liberals this would happen”, his neighbor Matt, single and 29, told us. “She’s not hot like Ivanka!”

Spice up your sex life by eating these 5 foods before anal


Get your man a flavored dick the organic way, without all the chemicals in those corporate red-colored condoms. Watermelon: sweet and liquid, for those hot summer days in the back of his van, parked twenty minutes from the beach. Dull day at the office? Hop into bed with a can opener and your cat’s tuna.

Bisexual woman rising in non-profit org despite greediness


The fearless, “lean in” tale of a woman who learnt to manage her shortcomings and let will triumph over nature. “Some days I just steal the toys for all the poor children, though. I can’t help myself.”

5 ways to keep your boyfriend from missing his foreskin after his adult circumcision


Make him join the Jewish faith: he’s halfway there already, and studying the Torah will fend off undesired erections that tear off the stiches. Shave your hair in solidarity: you would do it if he had leukemia, you should do the same for his phimosis.

“Dogcalling” is the new black: men now just pissing on women they find hot on the street, because why not at this point


This fad is sweeping the nation. Those pesky, liberated women weren’t paying enough attention to manly man everywhere, so they’re going back to basics. If you live in a big city, you’ve seen them lift one leg up in the air and urinate to mark their territory. It would stink not to love them.

Area woman bad feminist for not loving new Netflix show with attractive white lady as lead


Netflix just put out its latest groundbreaking masterpiece, about the highs and lows of a well-to-do white woman in coastally elitist Portland, OR. We follow Regina as she falls and love and struggles to make Ends meet. Both Ends, the estranged Ukrainian sisters of exact same name who serve as sidekicks to our hero, are played by Nicole Kidman.

Woman names newborn dog “It All”, unrelated area man starts custody battle


A complete stranger filed a lawsuit citing long-standing cultural norms and customs. “What’s the world coming to?”, his lawyer Paul ranted on the steps of Congress last week, “next she’ll try to break the thousand-dollar glass ceiling that hangs over my client’s patio!” A federal judge will rule whether women can have It All in America.

My sexuality is actually a choice I remake every week


The inspiring story of a strong, agency-wielding woman who wasn’t born this way. “I’m currently bisexual until July 9. Once I was so disgusted by men that I was gay for a whole month. Every solstice I have a threesome.”

I’m a Resistor, part of a queer subculture obsessed with resisting Trump


An out-and-proud woman tells us about her unlikely place in the LGBTQR community. “I’ve known since I was a little girl. Everyone was crying at my viewing party, but on Election Night, I came three times.”