Summer Body Tips: 13 Hottest Horrors to Run from This Summer!

(Written for 2017, but holds up)

Ready for the 2018 summer season? Some of us can’t wait to lay down our textbooks and forget what day of the week we’re living in, but our bodies aren’t quite caught up with our beach-going schedule yet. If that’s your case, don’t worry: nothing like a good run to shape up and kiss that extra Winter fat goodbye. Lacking motivation? You’re covered. Here are the 13 hottest horrors that’ll make you burn off those calories by panically running away in terror this summer.

1. The Patriarchy
This one’s an oldie but a goodie. The patriarchy is making a big comeback this summer, even though it never really left. Are you one of those people who like using their running time to catch up with their TV shows? The Handmaid’s Tale is your go-to this year. The slow, careful pace might seem counterintuitive at first, but don’t be misled: the animal instinct to sprint away from cattle prods and female enslavement will power you through the longest marathon.

2. Nuclear Proliferation
That’s right, 80s hysteria is also back in style, and this time, the stakes have never been higher! Hold on to that image of a mushroom cloud wiping out everything you’ve ever known, and your legs will never waver. Remember, even though the eventual decimation of the human race would be inevitable at that point, you still want to be as far from the actual nuclear head as you can when things go down. If you work best under stress, just imagine you’re training for your escape from a populous urban center directly targeted by North Korea. Run, Forrest, run!

3. Literal Nazis
It’s all the way back to the 1930s with this one. Nazis are in again, apparently, and we would even take fedoras over this unfortunate trend. Alas, there is plenty a reason here to fuel your workout, like the desire of having nothing to do with a society that has allowed this to happen yet again. If elsewise, you want to fulfil your civil duty and punch your local Nazi, boxing is always a great fat-burner.

4. Climate Change and Sea Tides the Size of Three James Comeys
Liked The Impossible? This sprawling sequel will film in more than 50 countries, with a cast of millions of people; shot using a pioneering augmented-reality technique that will make you wet. A sweeping epic you won’t be able to miss, literally. An honorable mention to pollution: having trouble managing your breathing? Think of all those nasty airborne particles you’ll be inhaling in no time. Piece of cake compared to that!

5. Donald Trump
Bothered by the collusion between your sweaty thigs as you walk under the scorching sun? Donald Trump knows all about that. The leader of the free world, Angela Merkel, won’t disgust your ass out of the couch this summer, but this clown will. Need to blow steam when America finds a way to pardon him after the latest outrage? A morning jog is just what you need. Be mindful of snakes if you live in the Florida area, though — this DIY-dictator and his reptilian entourage are known to spend large periods of time down at Mar-A-Lago. Things to look out for: Tic-Tacs and dead blond ferrets.

6. Men

7. Pokémon Go Loyalists
Remember Pokémon Go? That brief but blissful period in 2016 where we all believed we had the ability for happiness and carefreeness inside us? Well, to make a profit off the hot weather and longer sunny hours, Nintendo is bound to come up with a flashy new update that will unleash herds of fans onto the streets once again, lusting after the rarest bug-like creature the game dares them to locate. Don’t fall for this! Capturing Pokémon requires stops you cannot afford if you’re on a tight schedule. Instead, consider putting ten miles between you and every person you catch uninterruptedly staring at their phone for a full minute while walking. You’ll only stop after dehydration!

8. The Crashing Weight of Death
Another oldie, but there are methods you just can’t go wrong with. Think also: fear of failure.

9. Kellyanne Conway
She’s out for blood!

10. The News
I mean!

11. Vladimir Putin
Don’t let Vlad interfere with your beach bod. World War Three is just around the corner, and you want to be ready for when he tries to annex Alaska, and Sarah Palin’s first line of defense — two elks with binoculars — fails us.

12. Not Congressional Republicans
Can’t run without a spine.

13. Whatever the Song of The Summer Turns Out to Be
When has it not sucked?